I don't know why but...

Offff........ Enough is the frustration already. I feel like getting on to my own good old nature of wasting time.........
Perhaps, I had done too much for the day. Or perhaps, I had done very little and so, getting tensed. Perhaps, this is the first time in my entire life that I am getting some time out of the box to spend on myself, to think of my past, to ponder over my future, to evaluate the present, and yes, to find out the mistakes I have done today, so that they may not get repeated tomorrow.
O God! Please give me the strength to accept that, which I cannot stop!!!
This is what I pray, all day and night, consciously or unconsciously. This is what has taken me through the hardest times of my life... those two years, gave me solace, when I was anxious, provided me with support, when I was friendless, considered by many to be a worthless, wretched creature. Abused at every step, sweared at in every moment, cursed by the very people whom I was living with. I had not done any justice to myself.
Everybody reading this must have gone through a transitional phase in life called the +2 phase. It is the tensest of all the phases of human life. True, everyone has shared the anxiety, the shiver of the competitive entrance examinations. But I can dare to say that my life in +2 was completely different and much more difficult than “most” of you.
I never used to be a very brilliant student. I was just another average guy who used to solve any problem with ease but when it came to writing a presentable, good looking answer, got simply and heavily screwed. People hoped that I would get around 95% marks in 10th class board. But again, that saga. Got 91.3% and came 6th in the batch. Anyways, got into a reputed school for +2 and this was where my constant fight with time, frustration, slangs, curses, isolation, contempt started. Nobody liked me for no apparent reason. Just because i had scored poorly in my 10th, they concluded me to be a brainless lucky SAMPLE. I could never take part in their discussions, could not ask them the score of the Indian Team, neither could I share their numerous lighter moments...everybody would start to stare at me as if I was some alien dropped from literally nowhere... “Tumhara aur kaam hi kya hai... bas baith ke ratte raho...kabhi samajh ke padha hai?”
If you think that this was the case only due to the students, then you are wrong. One fine day, our most revered chemistry teacher boastfully asks “Tum engineering ki tayyari mat karo... tum uske layak nahi ho... kya kiye kya ho zindagi me???” God knows how but I got the strength to retaliate “Jab mujhe khud lagega ki mai iske layak nahi hoon, mai khud tayyari band kar doonga...”.
Class 11 was a complete nightmare for me. I used to live alone, seldom used to talk to anybody. The only friends I had were the books I sincerely studied, my greatest friend being the good old Morrison & Boyd... Isolated for ten months, the only thing, as you may call it, that kept me strong was this very saying, to lend me the strength to accept that which I cannot change. Yes there were mistakes on my part too. I always used to be frustrated with my 10th results but I never did misbehave with anyone. I never did harm to anyone. I never disturbed anyone nor did I even think of driving a person to despair. I remember once I asked one boy what was the score. Not even looking at me he threw these words to his friends which were of course directed against me “ Are isko koi samjhao yaar...” and went away.

It was some night just a few days before the final exams of class 11th... I was desperately trying to study as I had promised someone that I would improve my performance this time. Although I seriously doubted this because there was hell lot of noise in the class. So much, so that the authorities had to come and scold the class prefect who himself was busy singing this song or the other all the time. I don't know whether he contemplated upon his actions or not but he came down heavily on me...
“ Sarkar tum kyon itna baat kar rahe ho, mere ko daant khana pada ki nahi... Tumse baar baar bolne par bhi sudhra nahi jaata hai kya?”

me:- “ Are yaar mai kahan baat kar raha tha, aaj poori raat mai shaant raha balki mai khud pareshan hoon ki class me itna halla o raha hai...”

another boy:- “ To abhi tumse shaant nahi raha jata hai kya ? Hum logon ko abhi disturb ho raha hai ki nahi... ekdum shaant raho, sample saala”

me:- “To mujhe kyon bol rahe ho? Use bolo na, usi ne to mere ko bola tha...”

same boy:- “Kya hai re? Kahe halla kar raha hai? Bol rahe hain shaant rahne ke liye to shaant nahi ho sakta hai kya? Tab se dimaag kharaab kiye ja raha hai... Ekdum chup raho...”

me:- “Kya majaak hai!!!”

3rd boy:- “re ****... !!! bol rahe hain to samajh nahi aa raha hai? Kahe disturb kar raha hai?”
many in chorus:- “ re sample re!!! shaant rah...”

2nd boy:- “saala **********... kabhi padhai kiya hai? Ratt ke 10th pass kar liya hai aur abhi padh raha hai!”

Take it, that I by hearted everything, if this is what satisfies you. For I have nothing to prove, nothing to defend, nothing have I done in my life which I should be proud of. Who am I to oppose anybody? What is my background? Never had I been successful convincingly in my life. Even failed to give that Chemistry teacher, a befitting reply... that of conquering entrance exams. Could come here only because I somehow hung on. Otherwise, I have no other achievements worth telling anybody. If all these stuffs seem highly irrational to you then please... let me be irrational for the time being, let me vent out that which I had been storing in my mind for all these days. I never had any complaint against anybody. All I wanted to say was that, I am not a hopeless fool that I was once thought of. That I am not a frustrating fellow for which I was to get lots of abuses. That I am just another average guy who has come out into this world with some dreams of his own. They might seem weird to you, baseless and suicidal as you may call it but they are mine. If you can't help anybody rise higher then you don't have any right to bring that person down. Criticism helps a person go higher and I say “bring a person down” because destructive criticism can actually harm a person's mentality. Criticism is good as long as it is constructive. But some people tend to forget this thin boundary. I am not trying to do the impossible task of snatching away your democratic right to criticize but if you don't know how to use it, then its better you don't use it.
My case, although a very tough one for me, is actually nothing as compared to the case of those who had to suffer physical, financial and of course mental hardships. But they are special to me. They urged me to move forward and become what I am now in front of you, from a negligible sidelined rote-learner. Even now, in between club meetings and sessions, if I get some time, I thank God for the life I am living now... the love and respect I am getting from people. Its truly a dream for me and I pray......
“Let not this life be snatched away from me...”